The Power of Self-Compassion in Mental Health
“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others”. -Christopher Gerner
One of the most common things I work with in therapy is negative self-talk. We talk down to ourselves, call ourselves names such as “Stupid, idiot, ugly” and pick apart our bodies. We may judge ourselves and our behaviors harshly, have unrealistic expectations and tolerate nothing but perfection. We doubt our abilities and tend to be much harder on ourselves than anyone else. Why is this so commonly the case?
We aren’t born with these thoughts or beliefs about ourselves; we pick them up along the way. Whether that’s from how we heard caregivers talk to themselves or from outright bullying or trauma we experienced. It’s also common to use this as a tactic to motivate ourselves. Or, we believe if we are harder on ourselves than anyone else, people’s words and criticisms won’t hurt as much. It’s often the case this type of thinking is habitual, too. “Neurons that fire together wire together” meaning each time we make a mistake and judge ourselves, we are strengthening those connections.
As you may have found out already- this method doesn’t work, at least not in the long-term, and it negatively impacts self-esteem along the way. Self-criticism and judgment can contribute to anxiety, depression, substance misuse and low self-esteem. It may prevent you from pursuing your goals due to fear of failure and lack of confidence. And it can inhibit genuine social connection.
A common question I ask is “Would you talk to a loved one this way?”, whether that be a friend, child, partner or parent.
Resoundingly, the answer is no. For others, we tend to take into consideration their feelings, needs and bigger picture of the situation. We recognize that when someone else is hurting they need care, comfort and validation. Even if something needs to change or a mistake was made, we tend to approach it in a much kinder manner that still recognizes the need for responsibility. For example, in talking to a child we may validate their emotion of anger and uphold the boundary that it’s not okay to hit or throw things.
Research indicates self-compassion is strongly associated with psychological well-being and resilience. We can’t hate or shame ourselves into being “Better”-It’s exhausting and de-motivating. What we can do is start to break the habit.
The first step is gaining awareness of these thoughts. Begin to notice when harsh criticisms and judgments pop-up. Is there a theme, such as at work or with body-image?
If it feels comfortable for you, begin to get curious about when you first started having these thoughts and where these types of messages came from. Building this insight can help you recognize this was developed overtime due to past experiences in relationships or societal expectations.
Take a pause and consider what you might say to a loved one instead. Then, practice saying it to yourself. If it feels strange to hear you talk to yourself in this way, that’s normal! It takes practice. You may consider starting with hearing the more compassionate words in the voice of a friend or family member.
Another exercise is utilizing a self-compassion script created by Kristen Neff, Ph.D. You can write this as a letter or journal entry or practice in your mind.
1) Acknowledge you are in a moment of pain or suffering. Take note of the unpleasant emotions and sensations. For example, “This really sucks right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, insecure”, etc.
2) Acknowledge how this experience is shared among common humanity. You’re not alone in this. Examples may include “We all struggle at times. Other people feel this way. It’s not just me”.
3). Give yourself words of encouragement or kindness. Again, you may consider what you would say to a loved one. You can also check-in with what you’d hope to hear from someone else if you were to share this pain. For example, “This too shall pass. I am capable of feeling this and working it out. May I be compassionate to myself in this moment”.
Choosing self-compassion over self-criticism and judgment is not always easy. It took time to learn these ways of thinking and it’ll take time to undo. So make sure to also be compassionate when you’re struggling with the practice of self-compassion!
Jenna Newton, LPC